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i'm absolutely sure that you won't read this, yet i need the illusion that i spoke to someone about this becasue i want to just get it out of myself and in the air where it can go away.
i'm hating myself for missing you right now.
i'm laughing at my own fragility and moronic habits.
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... ... i changed xangas again. subscribe if you want, i really don't care. it's mostly just because i like the layout xanga uses and i'm too lazy to do something like that of my own in word. it's useless explanations of jen-speak... ...
xanga.com/uni_mitsukai
i'll probably never close this one. who knows?
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i wish people would stop pretending to care. i mean, c'mon... no one gives a shit about single moms 'n their kids. admit it - you just feel like you're suposed to care. but jesus christ - noncaring aside: everyone has the ability to be polite on the phone.
there's plenty of things i have no sympathy for, deep down inside. but you know what? everyone deserves at least the minimal respect of me being polite on the phone - at least initially. that's why i hate social services, and these other nonprofit organizations whose numbers i've called. most of the time, the people they have answering the phones are just... zombies. c'mon - basic phone skills are not that hard to have. i have them - and everyone knows i'm perfectly demonic. 
also... companies that send out random text messages at 8:30 am. don't they know that people under 35 are still sleeping at that ungodly hour???
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| anyone know where i can snatch up a cheap, decent queen sized mattress? how about a washer + dryer? how about a computer desk, a table, and a bookshelf? Not to mention all the other odds 'n ends that I do'nt have.
err... 
i guess i'll be sleeping on the couch when i move.
---- teenager moment here ------
you want to understand why? because i feel like an empty shell - a doll. and i feel like i'm fading, becoming ghostlike. so that i will no longer be able to touch anyone, anything. so that no one will remember even my name or any impression i had on this plane. yet i will be... in the place that is neither existant nor nonexistant - forever roaming. so i want to see if there is life inside of me. so i spill my own blood to see. that's why, there's your explanation. i can neither die nor live. fuck you.
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| "the next time you find yourself with a woman, look in your heart and see if you cannot approach sex as a mystical, spiritual act. Challenge yourself to find that spark of divinity that man can only achieve through union with the sacred feminine."
... it is so sad the opinion that society has about sex now-a-days. either we're encouraged to be free and sleep wtih everyone - or sexuality is viewed as something dirty and foul. honestly, i think neither opinion is correct - nor do i necessarily agree with everything in the said quote (i mean, c'mon... i am a girl - not that special). but really - sex as a spiritual act is so much more "fun" than just plain ole sex as a series of physical sensations. maybe there is nothing wrong wtih giving yourself to a few people in your lifetime - if it is viewed each time as more than just a physical act. i do'nt think that wanting to share such a profound thing with someone is a bad thing in and of itself... but that's where the christian church tends to muddle things up.
sex is not meant to be dirty. there is nothing wrong wtih sexuality: it is natural - and i'm not just talking about inbred sin kind of wrong. we are not meant to exist alone - so of course, we would feel a pull towards union - not just as a physical need but a spiritual one as well. what the spirit needs flows down to the body.
anyway, as heath and i have discussed: monogomy is awesome. just keep your pants on so that instead of fucking - you can make love instead. 
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